"Move to Germany," they said. "It will be awesome," they said.

    I know you all have been beside yourselves waiting to hear how things have been going. Let's start at the beginning, shall we? It's long, and there are no pictures. I wish I could add GIFs. There would be so many, most of them eye rolls.  Pretend you're reading a book by Tina Fey, or something. Her eye roll GIFs are the best. I'm as funny as Tina. Right? RIGHT!?!

    On July 27th, we left temporary lodging at Travis Air Force Base and drove to the Sacramento airport, with our 14 bags and one carseat with an amazing backpack carrying case (Thanks, Elise!), so 15 bags, really. We got to the airport about two hours before our five hour flight, so as soon as we walked inside, we were looking at at least seven straight hours in masks, if not longer. I was near panic mode after about 45 minutes. We flew Southwest for this first leg of our trip. We were in the last boarding group, so we literally were in the last two available rows of the plane and Quinn was the only one who got a window seat because, of course, they were all taken by everyone in the earlier boarding groups. Thanks for the sweet hook up, travel management! The only ray of sunshine was that there was no middle passenger, only aisle and window, so even though Brandon, Jake and I had to have aisle seats, we had an empty seat next to us. The flight was uneventful. We read, slept, and sweat through our face masks. Air travel in the time of COVID is not high on my recommendations list.

    We arrived in Baltimore around dinner time. We had planned an overnight there to allow for any mishaps, so as not to miss our flight on the rotator, a military flight that goes from Baltimore directly to Ramstein Air Base and points beyond and then back again. So we collected all of our luggage and called the hotel shuttle. Then we went outside and waited. And waited. And waited. See, if you've never flown into the Baltimore airport, there's something you should know. The Hotel Shuttle pickup zone, that is specifically for Airport Hotel shuttles and is thus labeled, is *actually* a private waiting zone for people whom rules do not apply to. They wait there, taking up all the room that the shuttles would otherwise use, until the person they are waiting for comes out of the baggage claim area. Nevermind that there is ample room for passenger pickup in other areas of the loading zone, even a cell phone waiting lot, but arriving passengers might have to wait an extra two or three minutes for their ride to show up if they did it that way. So, the hotel shuttle wasn't able to pick us up for 30 minutes because there was nowhere to park. The only reason the driver was finally able to pull over to the curb was because someone had passed out in their car ahead of the waiting area and police and ambulance showed up. It was then that the police officer noticed all of the *terribly important* people waiting in the hotel shuttle area, and told them to leave. So we load all our luggage into the shuttle and hear about the abysmal pick up system from the shuttle driver, (as if we didn't already know), and head to our hotel. We still have our masks on, at this point, of course. Going on nine hours at this point, except when we ate lunch on the plane. Not until we were in our hotel room, were we able to remove our masks. This was at 8:45pm EST, so 5:45pm PST. I remember because I was also trying to order Jimothy John's (that's what we call it), because they deliver, but not 15 minutes before closing time. More on that in one sec. So, we had been in our masks for about ten hours. We were sweaty and hangry. After the disappointing blow from Jimothy, I decided to call for pizza from one of the places suggested by the front desk. There were restaurants near our hotel, but we would have had to walk, and wear our masks and I was just, like, NO. So we only waited an hour for our pizza to arrive, guys! Why is the front desk recommending this place?!? If we ever spend any time in the airport hotel district of Baltimore again, we'll know not to order from there. And so would you, if I could remember the name of the place.

    Tuesday, July 28th, we woke very late. Three hour jet lag is rough. We had asked to check out as late as possible, and they told us we could stay until 1:00pm. Our flight was not scheduled to leave until around midnight. So we stayed in our room until 1:00 and then left our luggage at the front desk and walked to the nearby restaurant area to get some lunch. Our nearest options were Chick-fil-A, which we would have had to stand and eat in the parking lot, Chipotle, which we could have sat out in the sun and eaten, or Potbelly Subs, which had some open tables inside, socially distant, of course. I'm going to let you all guess which one we chose while I tell you how happy I was to put my mask on when we went inside after walking for nearly half a mile in a maxi dress in upper 80 temps in Baltimore. It was all I could do not to climb over the counter and ring up our order myself so I could get my drink and thus have a reason to immediately remove it again. Here's my little soap box about masks. Masks suck. There is no denying it. But my mask protects you and your mask protects me. When we were waiting at the Sacramento airport, I sent a message to my dad, who is a surgeon, to ask him how he can stand to be in a mask long enough to perform surgeries, to which he responded that operating rooms are usually kept at about 65 degrees. See, it's not that we can't breathe with our masks on, it's that we're too hot with our masks on. Wearing them creates conditions around our noses and mouths much like the humid conditions in the the Ohio River Valley, where I grew up. In the summer, the heat and humidity make everything absolutely miserable, and forget actually exercising outside in the summer. It's a wonder anyone does anything but swim in the summer in Evansville. But you wouldn't think twice about putting a neck warmer up over your nose and mouth in the winter, even when you're exerting yourself, like skiing, because it's too cold to feel hot. So wear your masks. If it will help, then help. But you better believe I'll have mine off as soon as I'm six feet away from another human being, faster than my bra comes off at the end of the day. But I digress.

    Where was I? Oh yeah, Baltimore. At lunch. So we finished lunch and headed back to our hotel to get the shuttle back to the airport. It was about 2:00pm. So, between waiting time at the airport and flight, we're looking at 15 hours in a mask. Not to mention, we would not be able to check in for our flight until 6:00pm. But, we really had nowhere else to go, so we found a quiet corner of the airport and sat down to wait. Because, you see, the USO was closed, too. At least, we weren't able to wait there, or lock up our luggage there. So we had to keep track of our 15 bags while we waited as well. Are you guys jealous yet? Wait, it gets better. After we had been at the airport for about three hours, the helpful lady from the USO came to find us and tell us that the rotator we were scheduled on was cancelled. Excuse me? Yeah, the signs at the check in area did not say that when we arrived at the airport, but when we headed up that way, with our 15 bags, that is indeed what it said. So Brandon goes to talk to someone and she tells him we've been rescheduled for a flight on Saturday, August 1st. But, there is a flight on Wednesday, and we can try to go standby. They haven't left anyone behind yet! Except for the people they left hanging tonight, but we won't bring that up. So, secured another hotel, and went to wait for the shuttle, but this time I was ready for those jerks waiting in the shuttle pickup area. I stood in the road, and only moved when a hotel shuttle pulled up. Got 'em. We tried out a different hotel this time, closer to the restaurant area, a brisk walk across the street from Chick-fil-A. So, once we had checked in, we walked across the street and grabbed some dinner, because it wasn't nearly as late as the night before. This hotel was willing to let us stay until 2:00pm on Wednesday, which was nice. 

    Are you keeping up? Yes, we checked out again on Wednesday, after sleeping in late again. You better believe we were going to try for standby.  Four extra days in Baltimore wouldn't have been so bad, pre-COVID, but at this point, we all just wanted to be at the end of this journey. However, to put off going to the airport a little longer, we walked to a sit down restaurant, not fast food, and had a leisurely, late lunch. It was a 15 minute walk, out in the hot sun. Maybe that was a bad idea, but it used up a lot of time, and we didn't have to have masks on, except immediately upon finishing said 15 minute walk in either direction. Okay, so back into the shuttle with our bags and back to the airport. When we arrived at the terminal, there were about 200 uniformed military personnel waiting in the check in area. It was about 3:30pm. Despite the words of Brendon Urie, I did not have high hopes for getting on the flight. We couldn't do anything until the flight opened, and only then could we mark ourselves as present and waiting. They told us we had to wait until all the scheduled passengers had checked in. Is that how standby works? Gee, thanks. Anyway, they said probably 8:00pm, or so. So we found a place to wait, and wait we did. While waited, several buses full of uniforms kept showing up. Awesome. Around 9:30, we got the nod. Are you kidding me? This is really going to happen? Got through security, got to board first because of Quinn, four seats, in the second row,  across the middle of a 2/4/2 setup. I could see into the cockpit when the door was open. There was a family across the aisle to my left with two cats. One nearly escaped before we even took off. Its head was outside of the bag. This same cat, no joke, did not stop mewing the entire seven hour flight. Awesome. We took off one hour and thirty minutes late. We actually spent more time waiting at the Baltimore airport, off and then on the plane, than we spent in the air. Bruh.

    The flight, aside from the cat, is a fever dream. We left Baltimore at 12:30am Thursday and arrived at Ramstein Air Base at 1:30pm Thursday, after a seven hour flight. If you're counting, that's 16 hours in a mask, from the time we arrived at BMI until we landed, but we can't take them off yet. I guess rank has its privileges, because we did get to deplane first. They called the passengers off, and literally Brandon Williams and family was the second call over the intercom. So, we go inside the terminal to wait for our luggage. While we were waiting, they were bringing in all the dogs that had been in the cargo hold. They were nice, quiet, tiny little dogs. Oh, wait, no, they were all as big as Marmaduke and had just spent seven hours in the cargo hold. I don't hate dogs, or anything, but in that moment, I hated all of those dogs. It was so loud in that terminal. We could not get our luggage fast enough. No, really, we did not get our luggage fast enough. I'm near collapse at this point, but we get our bags and head out to meet our sponsors so they can take us to our TLF. I know I made a really stellar impression at this point. We still had our masks on, see, so while they were being incredibly helpful, all I wanted was to get in my room and take off my mask, and pretty much everything else I had on because, BECAUSE. . .the TLF was a third floor walk up with no air conditioning! Yes, folks. It just kept getting better. I know, I'm a bratty American, but only when I'm exhausted physically or mentally or emotionally so, always. So, you know how they say not to go to sleep until bedtime to help with jet lag? Yeah, we didn't do that. We turned on every fan in the TLF and we all collapsed.

    This feels like a good place to stop. But, Melissa, we want to hear about the quarantine! Now, now, would you eat an entire delicious cake in one sitting? Oh, well, then you'll just have to deal with the disappointment for now.